If a brother or sister sins, go and point out the fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
—Matthew 18:15-17 (TNIV)
Conflict is inevitable. Nor does it necessarily indicate that something evil or bad is going on. Yet many Christians avoid conflict like the plague because they erroneously think that engaging in conflict is sinful. Here our Lord offers some very sound and practical advice in conflict management. If Christians would follow this advice, especially in their dealings with each other at church, we would have a lot less gossiping and backbiting.
How are we to handle conflict? Jesus tells us that when you have a problem with someone in the church, go to that person and explain it to him. Reason it out with that person and listen to his side of the story. Here is the secret to conflict management. Go directly to the source. Don’t try to out maneuver someone of evade the issue. It will only build up in you and get worse until it explodes in both your faces.
If you cannot work out your disagreement with someone, then bring a couple of others to try to persuade that person. These folks can help you determine if your complaint is justified, if you are being reasonable in your complaint. If you are, they should try to persuade the offender to change his position and/or behavior.
If the offending party still refuses, then bring the matter to the whole church and if the offending party still refuses to change his ways, then exclude him from the church. But the goal of using this process is reconciliation and restoration.
Notice how Jesus urges us to escalate our conflict management. Try to settle the issue privately so as not to embarrass anyone. But whatever we do, we must resolve the issue and not let it fester!
Of course, this is all done in humility and love because we must always remember that we are as fallible and liable to make mistakes and offend others as the next person.
If more persons in the church would follow Jesus’ advice, our churches would be healthier, happier, and more charitable places to come to worship. Do you love your fellow Christian enough to speak the truth in love when she offends you? Do you love your fellow Christian enough to listen to her speak the truth in love to you when you offend her?