Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

–James 3:13-4:2 (NIV)

We continue to look at reasons why Scripture matters. Today’s focus is on God’s intentions for our relationships with others.

Continuing with his theme of faith made evident by our actions, here James talks about how we can be faithful in our relationship with others. In doing so, we can gain insight into God’s will for us in our dealings with others.

Notice first that humility and the desire to do good are the keys to healthy, happy relationships and this should make sense to us. When we have a humble spirit we do not insist on having our own way all the time. This doesn’t mean we become a doormat for others. It simply means that we recognize others have needs just like we do and their needs are as important as ours. This is the godly “wisdom” about which James speaks. Such wisdom is devoid of implicit judgmentalism that perforce accompanies a proud spirit.

When we start to fool ourselves and think we and our needs are more important than others, then we are cultivating the field for chaos and rancor in our relationships. We will start insisting on having our own way, even at the expense of others. And because we think we are more important than others, we are more likely to do what is necessary to get what we want. We all know (or know about) those who have ruthlessly pursued their own agendas at the expense of others. Certainly there is no peace and harmony when that happens. Certainly those folks have no one on whom they can count because they believe they are superior to others.

And of course it should be readily apparent that behind such attitudes are the fundamental sins of pride and the accompanying judgmental attitude against which the Bible consistently warns. This is what James is talking about in referring to envy and selfish ambition. Behind both is the evil of pride, often aided and assisted by forces of evil who are only too glad to sow discord and animosity amongst us.

Think of your own fractured relationships. There is a very good chance that at the root of those relationships lies somebody’s pride–often our own–and the accompanying sense of having a condescending attitude toward others that must necessarily accompany pride. This, of course, is what it means to be judgmental. Neither is pleasing to God.

If you find that your relationships are not as satisfying as you would like, then look at God’s intention for them (and you) and use that as the standard by which to see what is infecting them. 99.9% of the time, you will find somebody’s pride getting in the way of having the kinds of really healthy, satisfying relations that we all desire. You cannot control what others think or do but you can control what you think and do.

Every one of your healthy (or disordered) relationships starts with you.

In sum, God desires us to have a humble spirit, the prerequisite state of mind needed for us to do our part in building healthy, satisfying relationships where we love others enough to want to build them up and to hold them accountable for their behavior when we see them going astray. A humble spirit is also needed so that we allow them to do the same for us and allows us not to hold a grudge against them when they fail to do so. Likewise, others need the same humble spirit to forgive us when we fail them.

So who will be the Daddy of your relationships? Pray to the Lord that he will help you make him your Daddy. As that begins to happen, you will start to enjoy the kinds of relationships you were created to have.